Pessimism for Optimism

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I’m the guy who didn’t smoke

And got lung cancer

I’m the guy who didn’t speak up

But had the answer

I’m the guy who jerked off

And got caught

I’m the guy the pacifist fought

I won the lottery and lost the ticket

I’ve showered at a hotel spicket

I got crabs from dirty sheets

The prophet refused to wash my feet

I’m the fella allergic to air

I got wronged and the media didn’t care

I’m the guy who failed at suicide

A drunk driver wrecked into my sweet, parked ride

I’m the K-9 lover

That was mauled by dogs

I took stimulants

And slept like a log

I’m the English teacher that kan’t spell

I’m the Satanist kicked out of hell

I got a sex change and changed my mind

I’m the missing link they couldn’t find

I’m the porn star who became a priest

I identify with sinners, to say the least

I’m the first man to have a baby

When asked yes or no? 

It’s always maybe

I’m the lover attracted to fighters

I try in vain to be a writer

I get drunk because I love the hangover

I’m made of parts that were leftover

I grow roses for the thorn

I made the glee club full of scorn

I break mirrors for the luck

When they say, “heads up!” 

I always duck

I keep my woman shoed and childless

I bought more minutes and then I called less

I go to sales and pay full price

Piss me off and the more I’m nice

I spoke up when no one was around

I looked for nothing and that’s all I found

In the biggest loser contest, I won

I think misery is sometimes fun

When there’s no music is when I dance

When I have sex, I put on my pants

I make sure there is no battery in my watch

When told not to look, I always watch

I went to Hawaii and did not get lei(d)

It reminded me of college,

Where my understanding started to fade

I’m afraid of flying, so I enjoy skydiving

I’m normally late when I’m arriving

When I try to be cool, I look more like a fool

I majored in anarchy when I went to school

I went on Survivor and died

When questioned by a mind reader I lied

I use pessimism to stay optimistic

I just want to be silly and remain realistic

I just want to laugh at the world’s irony

If we have to be here, let’s try to make it funny.